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Church Leadership “Do you struggle with sexual integrity?” seems like a straightforward enough question. But now consider another question: “How do you struggle with sexual integrity?” The two sentences only differ by one word. Yet the difference between them represents a significant shift I’d like to see among Christian leadership. The first question begs us to not tell the truth or, at least, to tell only part of the truth. The second question not only makes the assumption that we struggle in some way, but it also signals it’s okay to talk about it. The first question tends to trigger our fear-driven fight-or-flight response. Confronted with only two options for answering, the knee-jerk response of many would be, “No, not really.” But the second question feels safer and invites conversation beyond a simple yes or no answer, causing a shift away from defensiveness toward a freedom to engage in honest dialogue. These two questions represent the difference between shame and grace, law and love. An Unconventional Approach This book isn’t primarily about how to stop looking at porn or any other unhealthy or compulsive sexual behavior. Unlike a decade or two ago, it’s no longer hard to find good Christian books about how to combat pornography and sexual addiction. This is also not a book about blaming others for our poor sexual choices. And it’s most certainly not about stirring up more shame. As Christian leaders, we need safe places for honest and profitable dialogue about sexual integrity. No, this book isn’t so much about equipping as it is about giving permission. Permission to work through our fear and internal resistance so we can simply take one single step in the direction of greater sexual integrity. Each of us pays a price when we’re unable—both individually and collectively as Christian leaders—to take ownership (privately and publicly) of our common struggle to maintain sexual integrity. Notice, I didn’t say our common struggle with engaging sexual sin. Engaging sexual sin is optional; contending for sexual integrity isn’t. When we don’t feel permission to be honest about our common struggle to maintain sexual integrity, we’re more likely to fall morally and lose what really matters: loss of ministry, marriage and family; loss of money; lost enjoyment in ministry; isolation from friends, colleagues and mentors. Not to mention an increased distraction away from our ultimate goal of impacting the kingdom—to the point of potentially becoming irrelevant in ministry. If we can’t own our common struggle to maintain sexual integrity as Christian leaders, the consequences can find us seemingly without warning. Maybe some of us have been so successful playing Russian roulette that we forget one of the chambers is loaded. A Glimpse Ahead Over the past ten years, I’ve personally walked with hundreds of men down the path of sexual integrity recovery. Many of these men served in various roles of Christian leadership. Some lost ministry and family, others didn’t. Some were afraid to take the steps necessary and veered off the path. I fear what happened to them. But those who kept placing one foot in front of the other eventually saw fruit from their investment. Many who stayed in ministry or eventually returned to it report having a stronger ministry impact, especially in seeing others transformed at deeper levels than before. They report increased opportunities for influence, though this sometimes resulted in doing ministry in a new or different capacity. Those whose marriages survived (and more did than didn’t) report both increased respect from and increased relational intimacy with their spouse. And regardless of the survival of their marriage or ministry, nearly all discovered increased support through closer relationships with other men (including other Christian leaders) and with God. While the consequences of not walking this path can strike suddenly and without warning, the benefits emerge slowly with time and persistence. This is another reason why not every Christian leader is eager to take the journey. It’s like a medical treatment that has early side effects but whose eventual benefits aren’t experienced until a prolonged course of treatment. Maybe we feel overwhelmed in knowing how to take the first step. Maybe we’re simply scared to death of it. Or maybe we’ve taken steps to move away from past sin and just don’t know what our next growth step might be. Welcome to the path |